I hate being sick. I am a bad patient. A cold moved in this week and is not going away. I have rested. I take medicine. I even went to a doc in the box, who told me I have a bad cold and to suck it up, there is nothing to do to fight a virus. My nose is stuffy, my chest congested and I just feel blah.
It feels like failure when my body lets me down. I have things to do. I haven't practiced all week. The house is a mess. The chicken coop needs cleaning. Here I sit in bed doing nothing, but trying to get better.
I took a nice bath today thinking I would feel better. Then I just wanted to sleep. So I am listening to my body, as hard as I fight not to, it is telling me to stop and slow down, but inside my head is screaming, life is passing by...and here is sit in bed.
I am trying to learn to slow down and not feel guilty about taking care of me, but I know what is waiting. More work. A dirtier house. Embarrassment at rehearsal on Monday because I haven't practiced. How can I relax?
Awake at 2 a.m., my brain went negative. Job worries, life worries. I could not sleep. Why can't i just combat the negativity with positive happy thoughts? I like my job, why do I feel like I have lost something? I like my life, why do I need more? I like me, why do I feel like I am not doing enough?
It is a wonder I am not sick more. All these negative vibes. But this will pass. It is just a cold. It will wear off and I will feel like me again and life will go on. Pausing, healing, resting are not bad things. Learning to love yourself and take care of yourself is hard, especially when you are raised by people that made you feel selfish for your need. To make matters worse, I married someone that made me feel bad for my need. To get those voices out of my head, that is the real medicine I need.
