Changes

It was one of those weeks. Big changes. Political changes. Personal changes. Weather changes. We have a new president as of last Friday. I was working at home. I was able to watch the whole thing. I must admit I was proud. It has been awhile since someone I voted for was in office.

Then the protest. Some were violent. Some were vulgar. Most were hateful. It made me angry. I think of the way most behaved during the last administration. There were also protest. But nothing to this extent. It also made me sad. But watching the celebrations. The joy and pride of those celebrating. That was pride. God is with us. And anyway, only God is in control. His will is always done.

I planted this weekend. I practiced. I cleaned. I lived. Sometimes I don't feel like I do enough. What does God want me to do here? Maybe just living, believing and loving. Maybe it isn't so complicated. Maybe he just wants me to be happy and enjoy the fruits of my labor, plus share with those less fortunate. Could it be so easy? I like to make things hard.

Work starts again tomorrow. The sun comes up. Then the sun goes down. We work, we play, we eat and we sleep. The world keeps turning and changes happen throughout. God is good.

Friday Fried Rice

This has been a productive day. Worked at home, finished everything on my list and my mandatory training too! Terror training. I have taken the same course for more than a decade. I think I know it by heart.

The nightmares have not stopped this week. Which could be part of why I am tired. Last night, I was in the large house, clean and modern. I started calling for Rob, like frantically, I don't know why, but when I said his name, it was my X instead. Then the X came in the house. He brought chaos and garbage. All the sudden the house became dirty and full of junk in the garage. His girlfriend came in with him. It was horrible. Rob was no where. It was like I was being sucked back into the nightmare.

When I woke up, I realized how apparent the dream was. I didn't even have to figure it out. When Mike came in the house not only did he destroy the peace, bring his dirt he also brought another woman, which was basically our whole marriage, chaos, dirt and other people involved instead of just us two.

I have been hungry lately. I want real food. I want stuff that taste. I wanted to make Pad Thai, but I couldn't find all the ingredients. So I chopped up some cauliflower, through into a pan with garlic, mung beans, eggs, liquid aminos and shrimp. Topped it with green onion and cilantro and I had a really good meal. It was easy. I felt good about it and it was very tasty. I have been worried that I don't cook enough or take care of myself. I worry that I care too much about pleasing Rob with dinner instead of myself and most of the time he doesn't eat with me. So I had a delicious meal and he opted for  cold cereal. We both were happy. Life and relationships are sometimes easier than my overthinking and anxiety make them.

Hump Day

It's been a rough week. Monday I went to the dentist and had my first laughing gas experience. I don't think I will do that again. I felt like I was drunk and was being forced to listen to autotune R&B. It took hours for the numbness to leave my face. I was sick to my stomach for two days and exhausted. Yesterday I went to my back doctor. I much better experience but he warned I was in bad shape again and needed to sit on my ice pack, which I am doing now.

Work has been good though. When I am there and not at the doctor, I am getting stuff done. That makes me feel good. Being productive is good. Feeling good about my job, perfect. I think my tension is down too. Having said that, I am having weird dreams and nightmares. It's a good balance I guess.

I am slowly kick-starting some new changes. I am not drinking. I am trying to cut back on junk food and sugar. I am still doing yoga in the morning, reading my bible and praying. I still don't like my hair, which probably means I am still not happy with me. I am a work in progress.

Lazy Sunday

I was up before dawn. It is cold. I got my tea, but didn't want to go out to watch the sunrise. The cold makes me want to bundle up and stay in.

I did some yoga. I don't feel as strong as I once did, it makes it hard to practice. I had the dude spot me as I tried to reach into a backbend, which he did...as he was making us waffles and bacon.

I did some more cleaning after breakfast. Then got ready and left to get a hair cut. I have been hating my hair lately. It looks frizzy and wild, like some of the unkempt women I see at work that don't look too professional. So, I complained to Cassie my hairdresser. She tried to figure out the problem then asked me if I was happy with me. Well, that is an interesting question. I have gained weight. I am not doing yoga as much or working out. I am not hanging out with friends. My garden is dead. Work has been frustrating and I have really been down on myself. So okay. She was on to something. I swear she is just as good as my therapist on figuring out what I need. She cut my hair. She told me the next time I come in I will be back on track and feel better about myself and my hair. Go me!

Ian and Madison met me for lunch. We had a nice lunch and talk. Then I did some shopping. I bought a few pieces for the house. One piece, a frame that I can make a vision board. I had one unknowingly in college. I kept photos of models with looks I wanted. Poems, sayings, encouragements. This is what I want for my new board. I become what I believe. I want to believe in me again.

I came home. The dude welcomed me. I noticed he had changed our chalk board message that we leave for one another. "We are happy because we are flexible." Yes, we are. Yes, I am. New year, another new me. Live boldly!

Boredom

I am bored. It is Saturday, in the afternoon. It's sunny outside, but cold, so I don't feel like going out in the garden or starting my seedlings. I laid in bed too long, and now I am on the couch. I cleaned most of the house, I tried to fix my iMac, unsuccessfully. So instead I am writing on my laptop.

I have some of my poems on the iMac and I wanted to find them to send them to the poetry magazine. I have others things on the mac too, like photos. Then it hit me...I can write new poems. What is wrong with writing something new? Okay, I need to write. It is a goal. I want to have more published. I want to have a plan, a future, maybe even make money one day. That is why I sit here and blog to no one but me. Maybe one day, I will put this blog online, maybe I won't. Right now it is for me to figure out what I am doing, feeling, and find my way. Writing is therapy. Cheaper than my therapist and I can sit on my own couch.

There was I time that I wrote often, like daily...like I couldn't sleep at night without writing first. It is not like I don't write now. I write at work. I write. I am reading again. I feel inspired. I feel hopeful. This is a good thing.

Boredom is good. I have time to think. I have time to do. I have time to write. I need to be bored more often.

TGIF

I love Fridays. Even though I went to the office today instead of working from home and even though the weather was freezing outside, it is Friday! I forgot my phone, but I am wearing jeans and boots! I went in, but I got to leave early and I am just hanging out in my home with my dog and chickens typing on my laptop. I like it!

I spoke with my mom yesterday as I was driving home. She mentioned some comments she made months ago that were negative about the new dude in my life. I couldn't understand her opinion, it is not my opinion and it doesn't matter anyway...she has her own life to live and as for my life, her wise motherly advice has amounted to negative comments and complaints, plus making me feel not worthy of love...yeah...not listening, but it still hurts.

I have made bad choices in my life. I had my first child out of wedlock, now I am divorced. I chose poorly, but we all make mistakes. Some of us just make bigger ones. I had a jazz instructor that was angry I didn't play loud enough. I was afraid of making a mistake and everyone could here me. He yelled at me, "If you are going to make a mistake, make a loud one!" I have followed his advice since.

Now I am so afraid of making mistakes that I just don't make them, which is worse. I need to play louder, live bolder and let me mistakes fly like prayer flags in the wind. I just want to live my life again and stop being afraid. That is my intention for this year. Live boldly! Faith not fear!

and then today

I went to sleep feeling disappointed and frustrated. Well, I didn't go to sleep right away, it took a couple of hours to finally shut down my brain talking negative smack to me. Sleep is like a miracle drug. Once I get some, even a nap sometimes, I feel so much better. Just resting improves my mood. Not only improves, there are times I forget what I was even upset about.

Sure I went to work and opened more hate mail from readers of the magazine I edit because it is totally online. That is not me. I don't take it personal. I do take it personal when I make huge mistakes that piss off my supervisors, but even my supervisor said the dog house I felt I was living in was in my own heard. Very wise words. I do get stuck in my own head.

And then today, I woke up fine. I did yoga, read my bible, prayed, went to work on time...worked all day and got things down, even on less sleep. Being productive makes me happy. I came home and practiced my horn and I feel fine.

So why do I get so down, sad, and negative so quickly sometimes over such menial things? Well, I don't know. I am happy and blessed to have my good days, energy and laughter. I take the blessings were I get them and hang on when the moods hit. Today was a good day!

Patience grasshopper

I am not a patient person. There are some things I have had great patience in, like waiting and hoping for a doomed marriage to turn around, but I am horrible in traffic. I am terrible in long shopping lines, or even short lines. Don't even think about writing a check if you are in front of me!

I have this sense of urgency, especially work. I want everything now. I want to launch, push, jump...but most of the time it would have been better to wait. Watch. Check again and again. Sometimes things don't need to go so fast. I know I have this issue. I just don't know how to stop.

So, here is this project. I have worked on for over a year. It was supposed to launch, but things slowed it down. We had to wait. When I finally got the okay, I excitedly pushed it out. Then, like rushed things are prone to do, something went wrong. Boom. All the excitement gone. No celebration. Just another mistake to have to make up for. It is frustrating. It is heartbreaking. Further down the rabbit hole of failure I fall. There is no winning at this point.

Where do you go from here? Give up? Turn my brain off and just turn into a robot that needs to be told every step to take? I really don't know the direction to take now. I don't know how to stop falling down the hole.

I am back to the same frustrations. Not having a real purpose, so far down the totem pole that I can't see light anymore. Is this the point where you say, this is not my path anymore?

But, this job has been a blessing. It was all I wanted. I has given me independence and hope. It gave me a chance to have the security to leave a very bad marriage. It is what gave me the opportunity to go to grad school. It supports me lifestyle and will give me some sort of pension when I retire. Hopefully sooner than later. It's really a good thing.

I need patience. I need to remember what is important. I need to remember what it is about my job I love and forget the rest. God is good. I am blessed. The rest will fall into place.

2017 Rolls in with a Bang!

We were awoken by the alarm this morning, 4 something, as the power came back on. Then the real thunder storm moved in and the power went out again, this time for hours. I still got up and went to yoga. A slow foundation flow. I need that. I came out feeling much better and without pain in my shoulders like the week before.

It is a good idea to go back to foundations. Go back to the beginning. Go slow. Start again. Then I came home and it was sunny and warm. I sat in the sun and read. Something I haven't done in awhile. Take time to read during the day.

I realized with my new spire that TV and internet surfing causes me tension. This month, I plan to do some detoxing. No alcohol. Cut back on sugar and junk. Read and write more instead of so much TV and internet surfing. But here I sit in from of the TV, on the internet, but at least I am writing. Slow. I am not pushing, Not rushing, nor depriving. I am just taking better care of myself.

Rob and I are taking one more day off tomorrow. Well, I am taking off, he already has off. We don't have much planned, but I think I am okay with that. I am okay with going back to work too. I am okay. This year I will be okay, take care of myself and those I love and enjoy my days that God has given me.

Bring it 2017!