New Year's Eve

I am spending New Year's Eve quietly at home. I don't have huge plans or plans at all. In fact, I took a long nap this afternoon. I still feel a bit groggy. I had spent too much time in Wal-Mart, getting my tires rotated and oil changed, and that really wore me out. My spire kept telling me I was tense. Well of course I was, I was in a crowded Wal-Mart for almost two hours!

Checked my work email after I woke up and found I had some changes to make to the first digital Exchange Post. Okay. I fixed it. Hopefully to everyone's satisfaction, if not mine. The job doesn't define me, or who I am, or what I believe. It is a job that I have been very blessed to have. It gave me my freedom and security. It has always been something that I could define on my own terms. Now that I see retirement in my sights, it seems more like it is defining me. That is when I become frustrated. No matter. I have hope in things to come.

In my quiet house, with not so quiet sounds of football in the background, I will remember 2016 as a good year. Peaceful. Joyful. Content. Happy. Loved by someone that makes me feel good about myself and loves me just the way I am. I have traveled. I have played music. I have written. It has been like dipping my toe back into life. Giving myself permission to be happy again.

Next year, I plan to dive back into life. I won't even count to 3 first. It is time. Past time. So Happy New Year to me. May all my dreams come true.

Still on the roller coaster

Negativity has a way of creeping back in...don't get me wrong. Life is great. I am blessed. I am happy. Bur my career seems stalled and for some reason that seems to bring out the negativity in me.

Instead of looking for the challenge, I get worried, scared, look backwards and fall in a bit of self-pity. It is hard. Letting go of this perspective, this idea of victimhood. Learning to love oneself and believe in you...it is a daily struggle. I know in my head that I have talent, I have something to offer, but I feel I am always trying to proved myself and no matter how hard I try, I am practically invisible.

I am still healing, still learning. That is not going to stop me from living again.

It is time to get off this pity train. It is time to stop letting fear rule my life. It is time to be me and be proud of who I am. It is time to live with a purpose. To live boldly. To love those around me, and let myself be loved.

We are all meant for more than what the world tells us. We are bombarded with messages that we are not enough. We were born enough. We were equipped with all we need from the start.

This is the next to last day of the year. It has been a good year. I have come along way. I still have more to do.

Post, Post holiday

Yesterday did have some disappointing moments, like finding out I am not writing the CEO column any longer, and feeling like I am falling further down the rabbit hole as far as my career. But in away, that isn't a bad thing. Maybe it is time to move on to something new. It is okay to reset the course. This path may be at an end, but that doesn't mean there aren't new more exciting paths to take. God is my guide and I look for the signs he puts before me.

I went home last night and took Bear for another walk. It was relaxing and I couldn't help but notice the beauty all around me. I felt part of it, the tress, the breeze. I am part of life and it is good.

Then I found out my aunt died. I liked this aunt. She was different from the other sisters my mom had. The rest seemed old, stuck, miserable, sick. They are all gone. This one had life, she wore makeup, had a nice husband. I haven't seen her since I was a kid, but I remember my life at home was so much better when she was there. I hated to see her leave, knowing my mom would go back to being cranky again.

I called mom last night to say I was sorry for her loss. She is not going to the funeral. It is too far, she can't fly, she has colon issues. She has always had issues, but out of all her family, there is only her and a brother left. The cranky, self-loathing sibling survived and she is still hanging on. She said she wanted Jesus to come rather than die to meet him. Okay, this death thing is really scary.

Then I came to work, happy, calm, enjoying driving in with the dude, but find someone in the building just died. It seemed sudden. It is a shock. Life is fragile. It can be taken so quickly. You never know. The lady was sick, but she kept working. Will my final hours be at a job that I don't really like or will it be with people I love in the country I love, looking at the beautiful trees? You just don't know. There are no promises or guarantees with life. You get up every day and hope for the best and have some faith. I am blessed.

HiHo, HiHo, it's back to work I go

First day back at work. First day using my new breath tracker, spire. I was excited to use it. I thought it would show my tension at work, but I actually I have been really calm. That was surprising, even my drive in was calm.

I get here and all I do is breathe and do my job and it tells me what a great job I am doing being focused and calm. I like it. I thought I was much more tense at work.

I got up this morning, clipped on my spire and did yoga for 20 minutes. Still can't download my bible app on my phone so I used the actual book. Spire told me I was calm, even while breathing through my asanas. I guess that is what being connected to your breath is all about.

My x sent me an email today. After causing issues with Ian, all the crap he has put us all through the past two decades, he tells me I should forgive him for my sake. Hmmmm. Me thinks he is wiggling out of consequences again. Because I have moved on, he is the one still emailing me and it's been years since I found out about his cheating and almost two years officially divorced. I have never been happier or healthier. I sent his email to the UBT (universal bullshit translator) to see what I would get back. I think I will get a good laugh. Other than that, I will delete the email. Forgiveness is something he needs to do evidently.

God is great. I had a happy and drama free holiday. Rob and I spent a happy day relaxing and enjoying our home alone yesterday. I am happy at work, as I get to go home to my happy life. I have more than I need and love too! Praise God!

Post Holiday

One more Christmas down. The girls were here, just a couple off spats between them. Ian came for Christmas, I only made him cry once. Okay, I don't think it was just me, but he feels torn between Mike and I. I tried to tell him it is up to him to create his boundaries and create space for himself, but I don't think he understands it yet. Heck, it only took me 50 years and I still have trouble with boundaries and trying to make everyone happy. Although I did let go this week. I didn't take blame where I was not to blame. I did what I could do and let everyone deal with there own issues, including Rob. Christmas night I was done and tired, I only wanted to sleep. And I did. 

God is good and I thanked him in gratitude for this week without pain, drama  or guilt. I am hopeful. I am content. 

The girls left this morning. Rob and I had one more day off. I cleaned. I napped. I made some amazing roasted salsa and enjoyed myself. Tomorrow I will go back to work and I am okay with that. I am very blessed. This year is almost over and it has been good. I have done a lot and my trip to Israel was one of the best things I did for me. I have already come up with my intention for 2017. Live boldly. That is why I intend to do. 

Let the holidays begin!

I took a day off. I hadn't planned on it. I am saving leave, but my youngest son came over. Rob's girls are already here, but I have a day to just spend time with Ian. It didn't turn out as planned, we were supposed to go to yoga, but he didn't feel well. We did have a nice breakfast together, and did some shopping. Then we came home and took naps. That is a good day off.

This whole week has been good really. Not anxiety or panic attacks. No depression. No heavy heart when I wake. It has all been good. I started taking a vitamin D supplement this week. Not sure if that has anything to do with it, or if it is just having the kids here, but I feel fine.

I mentioned to Ian yesterday my PTSD symptoms and my goal to heal this year. He does understand the abusive situation I used to live in. That he still lives in. Thank God I am free from that.

Christmas is only a couple days away. I am not stressed although I do feel like I am not doing something or forgetting something. I have all the presents bought. I purchased the dinner fare yesterday. I am sure it will all be good. Just watching the kids all talk and laugh together, that is what it is all about. Loving each other and spending time together. No drama. No conflict. No negativity. Just laughter. This is the best present ever.

Purge

I showed up at work, this cold Monday morning, and I am in a good mood. The weekend was very cold, but fun. Saturday I attended a Christmas pajama party. Sunday was church and restorative yoga. All the while, cleaning the house and preparing for visitors. The dude's youngest is coming today, his oldest tomorrow and my son on Wednesday. The house will be loud, full and happy. I am excited.

I arrived at work to the news I was moving my cube. I want to move. It is a pain, but I think it will be quieter in my new area. I tried not to stress, as I have work to do and I should have dressed for moving, but the good thing is I am finally letting go. I had a trash can moved to the cube and totally trashed files and junk I have moved with me for years. Not only did I purge, I decided to take my time, not stress, not just throw stuff in the cube and get to work. I decided to take care of me first. How do I want my new work space. What makes me happy. So I slowly moved stuff, and unpacked. I put up photos of the kids and stuffed animals and mementos of stuff that I have accomplished and makes me feel good.

Letting go of stuff you don't need is very freeing. It made it easier to move. I made it feel more spacious. I took care of mine own needs, even at the risk of causing others to wait....something I really never do. This is a good sign. I finally am taking care of me. I finally care about me. This year of healing has done me good. Now to live again! That is what 2017 will be all about. Letting go of fear, loving myself to do what is best for me and be unapologetic about who I am. God made me, he loves me, he died for me. The least I can do is love his creation.

HOHOHO

Our office Christmas party was this afternoon. I must admit I was dreading it. It's a new team. It's full of unknowns and more exposure. What if is an issue with me. What if I fail. I have found that my fear our overboard sometimes. And then at other times, I should be more worried.

It was a nice party. The food was great. I sat with people I know and like. I had fun at the white elephant gift exchange. I really worry too much. Then we left and I went shopping. While I was getting too excited about the merchandise at Target, I saw an email pop up announcing one of my poem's was published to an online site again. It's nice. Both poems I sent were published. Nice. I need a bit of confidence.

I have been wondering how to feel Christmas again. Like when I was a kid. The joy, suspense, excitement. It felt good to have kids to share that with. Now that they are grown, not so much. Today was nice though. The day is grey and foggy. Kinda' like a winter day. Snow would be even better. Having the poem published was a nice present. I think that is what I need to do. Music, writing- it makes me feel alive. Sharing this with others keeps me going.  Ignoring those needs and trying to be something I am not is painful. So, here I sit and I write.

More

I need more sleep. It isn't a daily thing, just once and awhile, like today. I have basically been awake since 3 am. Now I am working an event Downtown Dallas until 1700. Long day. I feel a bit off. Maybe lack of sleep?

The event I am working is the Snowball Express, for families of fallen troops. It is sad. All of these families, around 1800, are dealing with loss of husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, sons, daughters. All have suffered a loss I can't understand nor do I want too. I am sure they all need more. More love. More understanding, more time with the loved one they lost.

It hurts to see some of them. For some, this is their first time. That means their loss is recent. But they are smiling. They are kind. They are in need and here we sit, trying to fill that need.

I have more. More than enough. More than I need. God has been good to me and those I love most are still just a phone call away. I am blessed and though I complain and always think I need more, in reality, I have enough.

One more time

I have good intentions. I try. My head spins from trying, but sometimes I just fail. I had that heavy feeling again yesterday. Just couldn't shake it. No matter how much I pretend sometimes, I can't get past it. I am still in the middle of figuring these things out. Is what I am feeling real or just a perception? Is it a chemical imbalance? Am I missing something?

Today I woke up and my verse for the day was 2 Corinthians 12:9 "But he said to me 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast al the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

I need a sign made of this verse. I need a t-shirt that boast of my weaknesses, because they are many. I will be happy in my weakness...but where does the power come in?

I am blessed. I have so many blessings I look for things to complain about...silly me.

Learning to love Mondays

I have an issue with Mondays. The mornings. Especially when I haven't slept well. I got up on time. I did my yoga, read my bible passage and prayed, you would think I would be well prepared for this. But no, it's noisy here are work today and people are already getting on my nerves. So that prayer and meditation this morning...the one when I asked God to let me be love and light. The one where I prayed for love and mercy for all those around me, yeah, let's talk about that now.

So, I will sit here, write and find the love and mercy I lost within the first hour at work. These people I work with, they are all like me. They all get up, find purpose in their day, go to work, miss their pets and their kids, all to make a living to survive. We are all doing the best we can do. It is all I can do somedays.

I told my boss this morning that I got up, showed up, so hey, it's all good right? He asked if I was always so sarcastic. Not a good start. So, where did I go wrong? I guess I forgot that I am love and light. That having this morning is a blessing.That having a job is a blessing. That having co-workers who are actually nice and helpful, is a blessing. Praise God he gave me this new day and in it, I will rejoice.

Yes, it's Monday. I am at work. I am present, hopeful and have faith that God will get me through another day. So, whether it's Monday or Friday, it's all a new day and a new chance to live my life as God would have me, in joy, peace and contentment.