Rest

It's the holidays and before, I would be freaking out and stressing about creating the perfect family experience, which actually just made my life miserable, so this year - without plans with family and friends - I feel a bit lost. No more kiddies around awakening excitedly to find presents under the tree. They are all grown. Parents will not be here. They have moved away and now we have an unspoken deal to spend holidays on our own. Grown kids will be here the day of Christmas, but somehow, not watching holiday movies, listening to Christmas music or enjoying holiday lights beforehand, it's just not the same. But, is that a bad thing. Things change and with everything there is a season.

This year, my intention was to heal. Heal from past hurts and traumas and take some time for me. A slow, quiet holiday season is not that bad. My past planning and stress did not achieve my goals. This year, breathing, sleeping, thinking, being is enough. I find my nightmares are ceasing. My heart beats steadier and soon, breathing will be deep and strong. I will wait. I will heal. I will enjoy time thinking about what the holidays really mean and I will love those that show up and love me. I am enough. This time is enough and lord willing, next year will bring me even hope and love than ever before.

Changes

Change happens. I keep changing this blog for example. I have been changing all my life. I age, I gain strength, I learn, I grow. All changes. The most radical change I have made in my life is learning to love and accept myself just as I am. That one thing has made all the difference in my life. It has helped me learn to protect myself because I am worth love, peace and joy. I am worth adoration. In learning to love me, I find that I love others more and they love me back. There are things I am still learning about my recent changes. I am not the same person. I don't like the same things, colors, hobbies, people, that I once did. I am new. It takes getting used too, but with great loss comes great change. Those of us lucky enough to experience great loss and pain, come out with a new understanding of life and with new likes and dislikes. All of the sudden I like the color orange. Red is not my favorite anymore. It worries me a bit. It can be scary this new person, but I also am excited to find out who I am now. Change is good. Change is growth. Change is life. As long as I am still living, I am willing and open to change.