It's the holidays and before, I would be freaking out and stressing about creating the perfect family experience, which actually just made my life miserable, so this year - without plans with family and friends - I feel a bit lost. No more kiddies around awakening excitedly to find presents under the tree. They are all grown. Parents will not be here. They have moved away and now we have an unspoken deal to spend holidays on our own. Grown kids will be here the day of Christmas, but somehow, not watching holiday movies, listening to Christmas music or enjoying holiday lights beforehand, it's just not the same. But, is that a bad thing. Things change and with everything there is a season.
This year, my intention was to heal. Heal from past hurts and traumas and take some time for me. A slow, quiet holiday season is not that bad. My past planning and stress did not achieve my goals. This year, breathing, sleeping, thinking, being is enough. I find my nightmares are ceasing. My heart beats steadier and soon, breathing will be deep and strong. I will wait. I will heal. I will enjoy time thinking about what the holidays really mean and I will love those that show up and love me. I am enough. This time is enough and lord willing, next year will bring me even hope and love than ever before.
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