Alone

That is what amazes me. Being alone, but not being lonely. I know I am loved. I am not trying to force someone to love me and spend time with me that doesn’t want to be with me. After 20 years, I realized the man I lived with had no idea who I was, but I have friends that know me so well, they see my potential and encourage me to grow. For me, being alone is the best thing that has happened to me.

Loss

Losing is hard. There is an emptiness that accompanies loss. The empty is missing someone, even if that person wasn’t good for you. There was still a body in your life that is now gone. I got used to sleeping alone quickly, but going places on my own is hard. Do I go out to dinner for one? Do I go to concerts or movies? I could do these things before alone, but now that aloneness has been amplified by the fact there is no one waiting for me when I return. I think the loneliest I have ever been is when I loved someone that really didn’t love me back. I had my first child alone, without a father. The second, I was married to his father, but the father was not around. He was angry with me when he was. The joy of bringing a new life into the world was not in our home. It was much harder and lonelier that I had ever been with my first child when I was truly on my own. So I know the difference in being alone and being lonely. Lonely is when you are without love. Loss is just the first step in gaining more, if we are open and willing to lose.

Say Yes!

I have learned to say yes. I used to say no or back away from choices without giving a voice, but now, it is time to say yes again. I feel much like a prisoner that has been set free. I was a prisoner without chains or bars, but a prisoner of my own making. I said no to opportunities. No to my dreams. No to people that were willing to love and support me. No to my own needs. I was a prisoner of fear and the word no. There was a time, and it wasn’t that long ago, that I couldn’t see possibilities. Each time I tried to poke my head in faith, I was driven back by “what ifs.” What if my world falls apart? What if I live my life alone? What if no one will ever love me again? What if people think badly about me? What I have found is fear is a horrible ghost, but a ghost it is. It is only a blurry image. You can put your hand through and feel the chill, but it can’t harm you. Just like Winston Churchill once said, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” I said yes to me. I said yes to faith. I said yes to me being worth more. I said one small yes and many have followed since. Do I want to eat pie for dinner? Well, yes I do! I won’t eat it every night, but why not? Do I want to read a book, watch a movie, or take a trip, yes, yes, yes. It takes time to reclaim what has been lost. I takes time to adjust your eyes to the light when you have lived in darkness. Small, simple steps, small, simple yes, it is okay. I did in my heart what I knew I needed to do. I said yes to leaving. I said yes to ending the relationship that has caused me so much pain and heartbreak. I said yes to reclaiming my life. I hope I can help others say yes too.