This has been a productive day. Worked at home, finished everything on my list and my mandatory training too! Terror training. I have taken the same course for more than a decade. I think I know it by heart.
The nightmares have not stopped this week. Which could be part of why I am tired. Last night, I was in the large house, clean and modern. I started calling for Rob, like frantically, I don't know why, but when I said his name, it was my X instead. Then the X came in the house. He brought chaos and garbage. All the sudden the house became dirty and full of junk in the garage. His girlfriend came in with him. It was horrible. Rob was no where. It was like I was being sucked back into the nightmare.
When I woke up, I realized how apparent the dream was. I didn't even have to figure it out. When Mike came in the house not only did he destroy the peace, bring his dirt he also brought another woman, which was basically our whole marriage, chaos, dirt and other people involved instead of just us two.
I have been hungry lately. I want real food. I want stuff that taste. I wanted to make Pad Thai, but I couldn't find all the ingredients. So I chopped up some cauliflower, through into a pan with garlic, mung beans, eggs, liquid aminos and shrimp. Topped it with green onion and cilantro and I had a really good meal. It was easy. I felt good about it and it was very tasty. I have been worried that I don't cook enough or take care of myself. I worry that I care too much about pleasing Rob with dinner instead of myself and most of the time he doesn't eat with me. So I had a delicious meal and he opted for cold cereal. We both were happy. Life and relationships are sometimes easier than my overthinking and anxiety make them.
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